Shattered Illusion
by RaptorX5
Summary: Young Zack has a dream one night while still at Manticore which is the first time he became aware of his feelings for Max which scared him to death turning his dream into a real nightmare. *Not extremely M/Z (for all of you who can’t stand it) more of Z


Summary: Young Zack has a dream one night while still at Manticore which is the first time he became aware of his feelings for Max which scared him to death turning his dream into a real nightmare. *Not extremely M/Z (for all of you who can't stand it . . .) more of Zack questioning himself, some sparing and Ben explaining the red balloon.*

________________________________________________________________________

"99 red balloons

floating in the summer sky

Panic bells, it's red alert

There's something here

from somewhere else

The war machine springs to life

To worry, worry, super-scurry

Call the troops out in a hurry

This is what we've waited for

This is it boys, this is war

With orders to identify

To clarify and classify

Scramble in the summer sky

As 99 red balloons go by.

99 dreams I have had

In every one a red balloon

It's all over and I'm standin' pretty

In this dust that was a city

If I could find a souvenir

Just to prove the world was here...

And here is a red balloon

I think of you and let it go."

~99 Red Balloons

By: Nina 

****

~"What war are you fighting besides the one with yourself ?"~

It started out just like all his other dreams did with shadows of what went on during his day. In reality it started out like every day at Manticore did. Two neat little rows of fifteen by fifteen. Shaved heads, grey gowns, bare feet. Marching through the compound like ants through a maze. Sounding like one-person walking, bare feet slapping against the ground, precision in a four by four beat. It was the music they lived by. It coursed through their veins and dictated their every move. He had command over each breath they took and how long they held it. The record was five minuets. He was guided through the early morning inspection of the barracks and then they were herded off to breakfast. Then under the strict watchful eye of Cornel Lydecker they were sent into the recreation room to spar. Matted floors with fifteen little white circles on them that pairs of soldiers stood in and padded walls for the protection of anyone who was thrown. 

For the first round he was paired off with Tinga. They eagerly matched each other move for move. They were an even match. Punch. Block. Kick. Block. Spin. Block. Switch. Repeat. Each move had a number and each pair of soldiers executed it flawlessly as the move was called out. They switched off partners in a counterclockwise rotation around the room. They had paired him off with Jondy this time. It was a random choice but he always felt bad about sparring with Jondy. She was three years younger then he was and only half his size, plus she was a girl. Sex was never an issue at Manticore. A soldier was a soldier. But still he couldn't help feeling a little bit bad that he knew he had the upper hand. Lydecker called out a string of numbers, which they were supposed to follow. They lived by numbers too. 

"One executes a fifty-three on two. Two is to block and hold one. One must break away using a twenty-three on two." Lydecker had given the order. The ones were the stationary soldiers the twos were the soldiers that rotated. 

Zack lashed out a sidekick at Jondy's head. Jondy caught his foot resting it on her shoulder in a vice grip with both hands. Zack was supposed to shift his body so that his foot was pointed downward behind her shoulder and break free by pulling forward forcing Jondy to the ground. It was a take down move. Then they were supposed to do it in reverse. He pulled his foot free but their extreme height difference caused a problem. As he pulled his foot free there was a distinct *pop* and Jondy gasped her arm hanging limp at her side.

At the sound Lydecker began to make his way over to the pair. Zack knew that Lydecker would reprimand Jondy for her display of weakness along with her failure to complete the exercise correctly. Then he would ship her off to the infirmary. Zack had most definitely dislocated Jondy's shoulder, he knew the sound of that *pop* all too well. So Zack reacted before Lydecker could reach them and grabbed Jondy by her injured arm. He wrenched it up and down quickly and then flipped her by it to the ground. The resounding *pop* and brief look of relief that crept into her eyes told Zack that he succeeded in popping her shoulder back into place.

"Is there a problem here soldiers?" Lydecker stood over the two as Zack helped Jondy up to her feet. 

"Sir, no sir!" They answered snapping to attention two voices becoming one. 

"What was that X5-599?"

"Sir your orders were to execute a fifty-three on two then to break away using a twenty-three and a two. Did I do something wrong, sir?"

"There was no two in that drill soldier."

"Sir my mistake, sir."

"I bet." Lydecker mumbled and shook his head walking away. To the other twenty eight soldiers in the room he called out. "Switch partners."

The twos rotated around the room and the next soldier came and stood before him. X5-332960073452. Max. She stood before him and suddenly the room around them fell dark. Everyone else simply faded away. Zack's mind reeled thinking about wars and surprise attacks and ambushes. It was like there was a spotlight on them in the completely darkened room. For a brief moment he saw Max as she might have been on the outside. She had long dark ringlets framing her face and she was wearing a grey gown. Zack blinked and it was back to the girl with the shaved head and dark brown eyes and Manticore issued dress drab grey medical gown. Max struck out at him first because they could still barely hear Lydecker's commands. Zack caught her punch and held it catching her gaze as well. He grabbed her other hand and suddenly they were spinning as he held Max in his arms. He had no idea what was going on. Maybe the enemy had released some sort of hallucinogen into the air of the rec-room. What was he doing with her held so close? He wasn't old enough for this to be the heat that the doctors had warned them so heavily about. Then what was it? Lydecker was chanting, one two three, one two three, one two three four, one two three. The numbers registered. Punch flip block, punch flip block, punch flip block kick, punch flip block. But his body only responded by moving his feet in time to the chant as he held Max close. 

He held Max close. He knew what the numbers meant but his body only responded with spinning Max and holding her close moving to the sound of Lydecker's voice. Then he remembered the night he had overheard the drunken guards from the rooftop. They had jokingly spun each other around calling it dancing until two girls showed up and then they were doing exactly what he was doing with Max now. Dancing. He was dancing with Max. Dancing! False sentimentality. Something he didn't need or believe in. He saw the same look in Max's eyes along with something else. What was it? He spun her again. She leaned over and kissed him! Then she opened her mouth and spewed out more false sentiments.

"I love you Zack."

Zack felt his heart begin to race and his body tense up. She loved him, ha, there was no way false sentimentality was getting in the way of their training. No way. Dancing. Love. Bullshit. He was enraged. How dare Max turn on him like that. Rage consumed his features limbs and mind. The darkness that had engulfed the room lifted. Zack could see the others again. He could see and hear Lydecker and this time his limbs responded to him. Quick fast flashes of reprimands. He was moving with every command Lydecker gave. He was both soldiers one and two. He struck out at Max with everything he had. She was turning traitor to him. He wouldn't allow that. She was bleeding, she was swooning, and she tried to fight back. He didn't let up. Not until he knocked her down teaching her a lesson. Useless shows of emotion would not be tolerated. She coughed up some blood her eyes slightly swollen, he bottom lip split. She was trying to say something. He leaned in closer maybe Max was going to admit she was wrong. An apology was still false sentimentality, but it was better to know she knew she was wrong. 

"Zack," she coughed and struggled to sit up against the force he used to pin her down, "I love you."

Zack could not take this kind of insubordination. He couldn't control himself or his rage either. He lifted up his booted foot and brought it down with a sickening crunch on her bloodied face. 

******

"No!" Zack gasped and bolted upright completely awake and covered in a thick sheen of sweat. It felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. He felt sick to his stomach and close to tears. How could he have done something like that? Reprimanding someone for breaking with code was one thing but he'd-

He got shakily to his feet his eyes a little watery, his head spinning. He took one step and then reminded himself he was the CO. He had to set and example. He took a deep breath and steadied himself. He walked purposefully across the room to Ben's cot, barely making it there. Damn nightmares. 

"Ben. Ben tell me a story." He shook the younger boy awake.

Ben jumped and sat up all set to see the others gathered around him.

"Quietly." Zack nodded. "And not about the good place or the bad place something different." Zack ordered him without any of the vocal connotations of an order simply by asking him to do it. 

Ben nodded responding to Zack as if it was an order. "You remember that red balloon?"

Zack shook his head. "Don't you usually start these things with once upon a time?"

Ben smiled. "That's Tinga's stories, but I'm getting there. So, do you remember the balloon?"

"Yes." Zack nodded. "I caught it and gave it to Max." Max! He'd hurt her. Zack's eyes grew wide the water gathering slightly around the rims. "Ben do me a favor?"

Ben nodded and stifled a yawn. He wasn't about to show a weakness when his leader was already displaying one so very openly. "Anything Zack."

"Look over and tell me if Max is okay?"

Max? Ben turned his head as not to disappoint his big brother. Maybe they had a fight. An all out physical brawl and not just sparring. Maybe Zack was just confused. You could never tell with the CO and second in command. "Max and Jondy went outside on to the roof before I fell asleep." Something had to definitely be wrong if Zack didn't realize the obvious.

"Oh. Alright. You saw her go out?"

"Yes Zack I did."

"And she looked fine?"

Ben nodded. "No different then usual."

"So what about the red balloon?" Zack sighed and asked. 

"Well Iggy told me about it." Ben scooted over and invited Zack to share his pillow.

"The lab technician?" Zack took the invitation and lay down next to his brother. 

"Yes him. Iggy Calhoun. The same guy who gave Max the name book all that time ago."

"Ah." Zack brought his knees up to his chest resting his back against the pillow and wrapped his arms around his knees. 

"So," Ben grinned at Zack. "Once upon a time in the world that exists outside of Manticore people don't just have issue dates. They have the same thing only they call them birthdays and they celebrate them."

"That would explain why it said happy birthday on it." Zack interrupted talking almost excitedly about the balloon. 

"Uh-huh." Ben nodded. "So they celebrate their issue dates, birthdays. It's like a big day off where you could spend all day in bed but you don't want to because you might miss something. You do get to rest all day. All your friends and family are there and all the important people in your life. There is music and all your favorite foods and cake and ice cream. Everyone who comes even gives you a gift."

Zack nodded and motioned for Ben to continue. "It sounds nice."

"You know those guards you saw dancing with those two girls from the roof that night?"

Zack winched he didn't want to think about that especially right now. "What about it?" Zack snapped fire in his eyes. 

"They threw a birthday party for one of the girls that night. They even got Lydecker to go. They really had to talk him into it though. That's where the balloon came from that you found during the exercise the next day."

"A birthday party, huh?" Zack actually grinned at the thought.

"Yeah," Ben nodded. "You okay Zack?"

Zack nodded stiffly. "I feel a bit better, thanks Ben."

Zack got up and went to lay back down on his own cot to think. The dream had not come out of nowhere, it couldn't have. Did that mean that he really loved Max? No, that was impossible. Zack was a loyal soldier but he didn't love anyone or anything. Loyal to the mission. Loyal to his training. Loyal to Lydecker and Manticore. above all he was loyal to his siblings. He didn't love any of it. Love was a waste of energy and time. It wasn't love. Then why did his heart beat quicken as he faked sleep when Max and Jondy eventually climbed back through the window and walked past his cot to Jondy's to finish their conversation? Why did his breath catch in his throat for a second when Max walked back past his cot alone to return to her own? Why did he have the urge to get up and make sure she was alright, but couldn't act on it? Sure he looked out for all of his siblings, but what was it that seemed to make Max different? He'd go so far as to admit she was special, but all his siblings were in their own ways. Why was everything suddenly up for questioning? Why did Max always make Zack so confused? Was he really capable of loving anyone? Was he in love with Max? Was he just overreacting over a stupid dream? He couldn't think of any answers to any of his pressing questions before he fell asleep. At least this time he didn't dream. 


End file.
